“…Just want to be HAPPY?!: The Fear of Losing Happy”

There came a point in my (dating) relationship with my (now) husband that I became very unhappy.  I had gone through so much, consecutively, over the previous 2yrs leading up to it.  My Mom was fighting for her life for over a year, she had undergone multiple surgeries which culminating in her fighting pneumonia. I had to turn over our apartment home of close to 12yrs to save money for a (possible) nursing home.  My position at work went under.  My boyfriend (now husband) moved away for work, I experienced an unexpected (early) miscarriage, I moved to be with my boyfriend and was unemployed for 6mos. and then I suddenly had the responsibility of parenting my boyfriend’s 16yr. old son.  There were no breaks, no moments of reflection or recuperating from one thing to the next.  All the blocks seemed to all stack up at once. It’s no surprise that I discovered that somewhere in the commotion I lost my “happy”. Finding your happy can be a very joyous event.  Many of us find ourselves spending nearly half our lives on the hunt to no avail.  Others seem to have stumbled upon it by some odd coincidence and still others change their “happy” perspective based on their environment or mood.   In my case, I lost sight of my “happy” with each selfless act I performed without rejuvenation.

Joy is connected to our relationship with God so it’s possible to feel joy yet still not be happy.  My relationship with God was strained but it was still present.  I honestly believe that quenching my thirst with God’s living Word sustained me enough that I was able to avoid destroying the people & things around me.  Losing my “happy” felt a lot similiar to finding depression.  My “happy” isn’t attached to some tangible thing, it’s a large compilation that most will find difficult to comprehend.  As a child my happy depended on what or whom made me smile or laugh, once I became bored, I was on to the next thing.  My world (as a child) was designed and protected by my guardian(s) but life experiences still had the ability to alter, in some cases shatter, those glass barriers.  As a means of coping, I learned (as most children do) that making adjustments is necessary for survival.  Unfortunately, as I grew and aged my flexibility became more rigid and those adjustments that were once made easily, became point breaks in my psyche that sent me into life “tail spins”.

Standing still became my main objective during that rough patch in our relationship. One day, I just stood in the middle of my bedroom and let it all go.  I screamed, I cried, I threw things, I got angry…I got tired and then I laughed. “There it is!” I thought to myself. In that moment, it became evident that I had been holding everything in because I didn’t trust anyone else, not even my boyfriend, with my raw emtions.  It wasn’t until I ripped the canvas of my smile to reveal my truth that I discovered my “happy” hiding within.  I didn’t need to hide or get past my grieving process to be happy again, I needed to accept the space I was in to reconnect to it.

It is not and will never be my husband’s responsibilty to make me happy, he can add or subtract from it, but it’s presence lies solely within my grasp.  Securing my happy is perhaps the most beneficial act that I contribute to my health and well-being.  My happy is attached to that moment that I finally overcame that obstacle that was blocking me from success.  The moment I realized that God created me for a purpose, and even while I was searching, I enjoyed my awesome journey of discovery! My happy is connected to the times I stepped outside of my comfort zone to try something new and it was the greatest experience ever.  Basically, I discovered my “happy” in those moments of growth that were unexpected, that were conquering, those golden lessons I learned despite the journey.  Sure, my “happy” will come and go based on my focus, but it’s also fully capable of increasing over time and it’s guaranteed never to disappear, I just need to remember how to find it.  In those times of heartbreak, hardship, and complete havoc my joy will sustain me.  However, I can now guarantee that even my darkest hours, as long as I accept the reality of the space I’m in, my “happy” is there also.  Where does your “happy” exist?

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