“First Time for EVERYTHING: The Fear of New Life”

For the last 35yrs of my life, I have been in control of me!  I ate what I wanted, I travelled when I wanted, I took risks and I had total freedom of my choosing.  However, none of my adventures would prepare me for being pregnant.  Did you know that you could be placed on a gestational diabetes diet & regimen JUST BECAUSE?  Did you know that in your first trimester you become “Rip Van Winkle”?  Did you know that you won’t even be allowed to exert yourself in the gym if your doctor says no?  Well, if you knew all this….WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?

My Mother and Grandmother always explained adult things using childlike references, according to our ages.  “Don’t swallow watermelon or pumpkin seeds”, was their way of telling us to stay away from boys.  Now as random as that statement was, somehow, we understood.  But no one told me what happens after you’re married and old enough to “grow seeds”.  The story always jumped from sex directly to babies and there really was no middle.  In college, I was fortunate enough to witness a birth upclose…at the WRONG end of the canal, if you catch my drift.  That experience was extremely eye-opening, especially since I had never even seen videos of a live birth.  It was at that point that I was introduced to the whole reason girls have vaginas.  Now, you may laugh, but I’ve never heard of a woman who was able to give birth and fully observe how much her “lady part” changes at the same time.  The complete transformation is EXACTLY like watching a flower bloom and unfold, into a “tunnel”, only with a great deal more pain and anguish for the flower.

Aside from actually witnessing a birth, I was still a blank slate as it related to pregnancy…well that all ended 15wks and 3days ago.  When I tell you that pregnancy has caused me to realize and confront my own personality head on, that’s no exaggeration.  First, I realized I am stubborn.  Every week, three times a week, I had to visit my doctor and get hormone injections (even though I was on hormone pills) because I have PCOS.  This required me to force myself to get up, even when I didn’t feel like it.  I began to “buck the system”!  I started by getting up in just enough time, I procrastinated taking those nasty pills, and I may even had a mood swing…or two…or four.  I did this for 8wks and I never missed a day…of COMPLAINTS.  The only cleaning I did was when I took my daily shower and when I cleared my side of the bed at night.  I cooked…nothing greater than a microwaveable meal.  I basically ate grilled chicken on a bed of spring greens (which I now crave) until I got fancy one day because I had a craving for rutabagas (as I type this, I now want rutabagas).  My poor husband watched his kind, housekeeping, loving wife morph into a sloth-like, complaining, messy apartment dweller and he still…lied to me and told me I was doing great, LOL!

In my 2nd week of pregnancy, my doctor advised me to go see another doctor about gestational diabetes.  I wasn’t required to go because I had diabetes but rather because I MIGHT get diabetes due to PCOS.  I can honestly say that the diabetes center dislikes me and I dislike them right back.  Ok, so it’s not really a personal vendetta; it’s just that they want me to take my readings and I refuse.  There’s something about intentionally causing harm to myself by way of a needle that disturbs me.  I suppose we can add this to my list of fears as well.  My husband works in the daytime so there’s no one that can assist me with this task.  However, in my defense (because of course I have one), I was informed that regardless of how closely I follow the diet or monitor my readings, it will not be enough to prevent diabetes.  Also, each trimester, I will be required to get my A1C checked and take a glucose test.   Therefore, again I ask, “WHY am I checking my readings?

Due to needing a PCOS specialist, my gynecologist was also a fertility specialist.  The benefit of seeing a fertility specialist while in your first trimester was that we got weekly sonograms of our baby.  What does a baby look like at 1wk old?  NOTHING, at 1wk your baby looks like a white glob of cells.  Our first photo of our little one consisted of the yolk sac and a small white mass about the size of a grain of rice.  That grain of rice, was our baby!  As the weeks progressed, that mass grew just a little bigger. At 8wks, we had a grape, with a heartbeat!  Suddenly, things got REAL.  This was the first time my husband and I fully grasped the concept of what was going to happen in 7months.  We looked at that sonogram like we’d never seen one before.  I beamed at my husband and said, “hunny, we’re having a baby!”

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