“NEW Reality: The Fear of Parenthood”

On Feb. 24th, 2017 I went to my doctor to pickup a prescription ALONE but I left with something else, or rather SOMEONE ELSE…I was pregnant. I didn’t believe it! This was one surprise that had me in shock for weeks.  Doesn’t God know our bank account balances?  I’m not working.  My husband is concerned about our household finances and we were planning goals for our future.  How could He place a baby in my womb when our lives are in such transition?  How did conception bypass birth control pills AND PCOS?  What manner of witchcraft was this? As horrible as this may sound, I fully expected to experience a sudden miscarriage; I expected God to be like, “whoops! That wasn’t meant for you. My bad!” After all, I was completely settled on the concept of not having children of my own and I was happy….right?!

It’s no secret to my closest companions that my husband and I vowed abstinence before marriage.  Were our 6yrs flawless, I can’t say that they were, but both of us are very proud of how we overcame our impulses to form a stronger bond.  The first year of our courtship, I was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), a condition that was triggered by extreme stress.  Women with PCOS often experience complications conceiving.  Prior to my diagnosis, I hadn’t focused on children, but for the rest of that year, the idea of children flooded my mind. I even got a small pet to try and curve my (sudden) maternal desire.  Once I came to grips with reality, I convinced myself that a life without children of my own would not become my regret but rather my choice.  I decided to chose not to have children as opposed to being told they were out of my reach.  Besides, my (then) boyfriend’s two children were more than enough to keep me fulfilled.

I spent last Saturday bent over a pew at church, with tears in my eyes, pouring my heart out to God. “Lord I trust You, I want to believe that I trust You unconditionally.  I don’t know why You’ve chosen to trust me with this gift now, I don’t feel ready.  Lord, I’m a planner, You made me a planner and You know how much of a tailspin it is when a planner is thrust into a journey that they had no control in planning.  I should be grateful, I’m told I should be grateful, but I’m more scared than grateful.  I’m coming to You in prayer because I don’t want to be afraid anymore, I don’t want to pass this crippling disease (fear) on to my child. HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOUR PLAN, HELP ME OVERCOME MYSELF?” But how much of this prayer did I truly believe?  I started this website to serve as a place where I can share my journey of overcoming my fears. However, the more life I experience the more difficult it is to find the faith within my fears.  What do you do when you discover that your fear might just be bigger than your faith?

To put it simply, finding out I was pregnant sent me into a state of mental flux.  I thought we would have more time to bond as husband and wife before adding a life.  We were HAPPY, having a baby felt so premanent, I felt the weight of expectation so heavily. Things were just happening too fast for me.  We married on September 3rd, 2016; due to a family emergency our one month anniversary was spent with me rushing through the airport to board a plane to Alabama for two months. I was completely conflicted, I missed my husband terribly before the wheels of the plane started rolling on the runway, but my mother needed care after surgery.  I returned to my husband just before his December 3rd birthday and we reconnected like the newlyweds we were.  However, while away I developed a urinary tract infection, I made an appointment with my longtime gynocogist so he could write me a prescription.  My doctor and I began and I updated him that I’m a newlywed and moved out of state nearly 8yrs ago.  He was overjoyed, congratulated me, and prayed that my husband and I would conceive strong, healthy, beautiful, intelligent children soon (despite my PCOS diagnosis).  He also, wrote me a prescription for a different birth control medication that would make me less nauseaous.  See what he did there?  I immediately thought of him when I found out I was pregnant 3mos later (insert strong side eye).

Upon my return home, I kept getting sick, but I wasn’t queezy so I knew it wasn’t my new medication.  The doctors offered no diagnosis, they simply treated the symptoms.  It was assumed I had the flu, but the test was negative.  It was assumed I had strep throat, but that test also came up negative.  I was feverish with no virus or infection and I had cold symptoms that never died.  The illness lasted, consecutively for two weeks, I had one week of rest, then I was sick again every other week until just before Valentine’s Day. Finally, I decided to listen to my husband and scheduled a complete physical for February 14th and all my labs were normal.  I was informed that my mysterious illness was contributed to the fact that my husband and I hadn’t “known” each other before marriage.  Apparently, this period of illness did a lot more that keep me inside for 2mos.  Any medications I was taking at the time would also have altered affects,  In my case, pregnancy.

As shocked as I was, my husband was the total opposite, he was more excited than shocked.  To me, he became a unicorn, a stranger, I didn’t know this man.  I didn’t share his sentiments (initially) but it was how he showered me with love, reassurance and protection that I ultimately came around.  He didn’t miss a single appointment, despite his crazy work schedule.  He listened to all my complaints about the ligament pain and how the relaxin altered my muscle strength.  We discovered our pregancy the day after he had major knee surgery but my husband was more concerned about how I was coping with his limited mobility while being pregnant.  My husband would have conversations about what our child would be like, what our child would inherit of ours, names, etc.  He reminded me that God trusts us, so we should trust Him.

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