I am a HORRIBLE writer!: The Fear of Failure”

“I am a HORRIBLE writer!” There! I’ve finally proclaimed my truth, I feel so liberated. So free from the expectations of my next great entry. I’m now free to miss typos, commit grammatical felonies, be defensive about being offensive but most of all….I’M FINALLY FREE TO WRITE!! I locked myself in a box long ago with the first accolade I received from my teacher, Mr. Cooley, when I was 14yrs old. I signed over the rights to my own creativity when I convinced myself that it was better to choose a genre of writing early to appeal to a specific audience. Neither my life nor my personality are monotone so it’s no surprise why, it seems, increasingly impossible to write. With the declaration that “I am a horrible writer”, I leave myself open to accept that I am not perfect and I don’t have to be.

To be considered good at something, before going through the rigorous process of development, can potentially stifle greatness.  In some ways, this was a great faux pas of my previous educators.  If I would have been considered a student with potential rather than a young savant maybe I would’ve been seen as a more lucrative investment.  I haven’t received much guidance in honing my craft, my grade school teachers felt there was no additional information they could offer me.  My guidance counselor asked me to “dumb down” my college essay to make it sound like a high school student wrote it.  My English teachers would often have me write my essays in class because they assumed I was getting help from my parents.  I gained notoriety for giving speeches in church during Easter plays and school competitions.  You see, In my environment, very few concentrated on the self sustaining students; all the attention and focus defaulted to the struggling students (there were a lot of those).  Sometimes I wonder, if my teachers saw me as more of a challenge, would I have received the guidance I’ve been deprived of?

I am no longer willing to accept deprivation in my life.  I will gift myself the blessing of being a horrible writer, I will continue to write badly until I am a great writer.  This type of affirmation may sound counterproductive to some but for me it’s empowering.  The fear of failure to live up to expectations no longer dictates my progress.  If this entry was not satisfying to read, stick with me?  I promise it can only get better from here!

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