Greetings! It’s 11:32pm on my end of the West Coast. My 5 month old baby is asleep in the crib, my dutiful husband is asleep in our bed and I am awake writing this message to you. Everyone says I should sleep when my baby is sleep, I tried that…I got nothing done. My child is full of curiosity and zeal. Prior to giving birth, people kept saying, “get your rest now because soon you won’t be able to sleep”. Fortunately, I got more than my fair share of rest while pregnant; unfortunately, there was no way to bottle some of that rest, freeze it, and thaw it out when ready. Seasoned Mother’s advice also included telling me, “everything falls on you now, don’t expect much from your husband.” Women of various ages, ethnicities and cultural environments, that I randomly encountered, universally gave me this same wisdom. I decided to reject that family construct long before becoming a Mother, but it’s common trend among women is still baffling. I watched my Mother proudly flaunt her role as an “alpha female,” in our disgruntled two parent household, which ultimately led to the deterioration of her health because of it. This is a man’s world, why is there such a mandate to be an alpha female?
Yes! I’m a newlywed and a new Mom, I don’t have many answers, but I know misleading advice when I hear it. I witnessed decades of women being subservient to their children, but alphas in the face of their partner and in the world. In my environment, the females who weren’t alphas were being abused, the females who were alphas were in broken marriages or single parents. Call me radical, but I strive towards establishing a balance where my husband is my partner in marriage instead of a consequence of parenthood.
I observed early on that “a closed mouth don’t get fed” is more than just an expression, but a necessary rule in any relationship, especially marriage. As a standard practice, I do my best to be vocal about my needs at the instant I acknowledge my lack (or gain). My husband taught me this, not by word or deed but through love. It is not my intention to suffocate our home with the fumes of anger, because I love my husband I try not to wait until I’m frustrated to speak with him. My husband works, goes to school, we have an infant and we are newlyweds; our family is his priority and he makes that known. Even with all his responsibilities, I still require his daily assistance in our home. After I had our daughter, I diverted to my instinctual independent nature. I figured I could support my husband best by taking care of everything but that mindset only led to tension and resentment on my part.
I’m an alpha woman who married an alpha male, in order for our marriage to be successful, both of us have learned to concede. Yes, there are still certain topics we stand our ground on but neither of us are willing to damage our relationship for the sake of pride.
Independence was all I knew prior to my husband, that’s how I was raised. I understand the need for a woman to have a strong sense of self reliance in this day and age but there’s a special blessing in a strong partnership that I discovered through him. Chivalry isn’t dead but it’s definitely on the endangered list of manhood. My husband displays many traits that I love but most of all, his willingness to adapt to change. Sometimes, I don’t know what I need, until I need it so it’s important that I’m able to ask for more or less help when needed. You see, I have neither the desire to be completely independent nor dependent, I simply need help. I’ll admit that
We agreed on a schedule, we are consistent with that schedule and if more or less is required, we alter the schedule. Being a stay at home Mom is not my endgame as a career goal, it’s important that we operate (as a team) with that in mind. If I assumed ALL the: household chores/upkeep, baby’s needs, my needs and my husband’s needs simply because I’m at home, there would be no form of balance in my personal life. However, that’s exactly what (some) in society think of me, that I should be able to do it all without complaint. I have NEVER been that subservient, not even as a child. I’m the eldest of three and we shared all chores, not evenly, but they didn’t all fall on one person. Sharing is what I know best so my marriage will know it too!